1st December 2010

Bulan woke up to one of her 12 cats nuzzling her nose against her feet. There's a whole load of assignments to be completed. Bulan has been busy. Zhandra gave birth to a bonnie baby boy butt first on 18th November. Bulan was there to watch it all happen, to hear Zhandra saying I am sorry Mom I am really sorry..and for her to say There is nothing to be sorry about,  a soul wants to come to earth and it has chosen you as the vessel.
The family, Big Man in particular named the baby Julius, while Zhandra wanted the name Rafaelo so the baby was named Julius Rafaelo. Julius's chord dropped off yesterday and the circumcision ring around his penis went along too. No more plastic on Rafaelo..he is thru and thru spirit and body.
A new story is written and will be written and it will be brilliant

14th November 2010 - BE STILL

Bulan realised she has been lazy. She has not written and that is not good for her. Procrastination is her middle name she always says as an excuse, trying to sound funny, but hell it is corny. Over the past few days, she has made the trip in her 12 year old car to Meringit to pick Coolgarlie up. Big Man was left by his girlfrien Curly Hair and he is brewing in his own cauldron right now. Poor thing.

Big Man dan Bulan had a chat. It was heartbreaking for Bulan to see her first born so devastated. She hates to preach, but what needed to be said, must be said. He said, I just don't want to hurt so bad. I can handle being alone, without a girlfriend, but I wish I can stop hurting.
Bulan said, We feel the pain because we are alive. If we are dead, we are in spirit form, there won't be anymore pain. So first, be thankful for the pain. Next, in a few weeks or months from now, you will look back and thank your lucky stars that all these has happened to you. Pain always precedes change for the better. Just like when a baby is about to be born, into a bigger world from the confines of the wound, it will need to cry its lungs out first. You may not believe me now but one day you will know that what your mother says is true.
Finally, you need to learn detachment. Because nothing is stagnant. Everything changes. The only constant in life is change. Even I don't own you or any of your siblings. I didn't own your dad, nor did he own me. We all belong to Him. He just loaned you to me, as a responsibility, so I do all I can to raise you. Even now, I can't control you anymore. See, you have grown, so has Curly Hair. She was in your life because she had a task to settle with you, likewise you were in hers for the same reason. Your tasks are done for the time being, you need to move on. Know that..be still, be the stillness and everything else revolve around you..what you need will come to you like a magnet, and what you don't will be removed from you. Just be still...
With that, Bulan walked out of Big Man's room.

7th November 2010

It was a grey morning when Bulan opened her eyes. The clock showed 7.30. She could smell burgers being grilled..makes her mouth water. It would be Thin Man or Big Man..sigh, what will the state of the kitchen be like..Switch switch switch..good morning Bayang, she said to the little black four legged whiskered creature at her feet. He was such a scraggly little thing when Zhandra picked him up by the road side. Straight to the bathroom to shower..that is her morning habit now. And she made a mental note

1) Diary

2) Breakfast

3) Work

4) Invoice

5) worry about the rest later.

She dressed and descended the steps. These steps must be swept, she thought, and so do the steps leading down to the basement. True enough, Big Man was in front of the TV gobbling up his double stacker. She went to the kitchen..not too bad. She started sweeping and clearing up last night’s dishes that were on the rack. Perhaps nasi lemak would be good today. Let’s see, we have anchovies, ok, Nasi lemak it shall be. Coffee and orange juice. Grand. Her phone rang. It was mother. She said she wanted to come..and Bulan had to say she is going out. What else could she say. Guilt slithered up her spine and engulfed her like suffocating smoke. She can’t have Zhandra confined to her room till evening. So she told Mother, once she came home, she would call. Mother sounded dissappointed and Bulan’s heart sank.

Maggie and Hooz returned in time for breakfast. Then Maggie had to get ready for her sports training. She lamented last week that she wasn’t selected for this year’s match and out of dissapointment Bulan said, Ok , Maggie, you don’t have to go anymore. A sudden glow of satisfaction spread over Maggie’s face and Bulan knew she was manipulated. So today, she sat her foot down and said Maggie has to go. Maggie remained glued to her seat..that by the time Moonty came to pick her up she was still glued to that seat. After much persuasion and not very diplomatic coaxing from Big Man who said you are so lucky to have people encouraging you to play sports. I was good, but your dad stopped me every step of the way..be thankful Maggie..she got up and slammed the door. Bulan had to send her to her training.

When Bulan returned, she called Mother and served her nasi lemak. Mother went...sigh..Nasi Lemak pun Nasi Lemak la...(sigh..Nasi lemak will do). Bulan bit her tongue and told herself service to your Mother is like service to God. She loved you when you were little and helpless, Bulan, who are you to say anything.

Just after dinner, Cutie Pie came in from the back yard whimpering..her back was lifted in pain. Bulan picked her up and looked at it..there is no doubt, Cutie Pie was raped....

What am eventful day..how great to be alive :)

6th NOVEMBER 2010

It is morning. Bulan woke up with a throb in her head. The first thoughts that came to her mind was, when was it night? When did I actually fall asleep. Sigh..not another day...she stopped.

Switch she thought. She took a deep breath. Thank you for today. Thank you that I am able to live another day in this healthy body to experience everything I can experience, which otherwise I will not be able to experience in spirit form. The joy the heartache, the taste the touch, the humour the sadness. Thank you, she thought more enthusiastically. She looked at little Mario sleeping peacefully next to her and carressed his soft skin, his hair, she burried her nose in his hair and revelled in her son’s smell. Ahh what a wonderful morning. Life is good. Life is abundant. The abundance is mine.

The house is quiet. Last night Maggie and Hooz went to for a birthday party and slept at their auntie’s. Today BigMan and ThinMan are also out. Zhandra has isolated herself in her room. Mario is just hovering around. It is lonely. But pause. There have been times when Bulan wishes forthis peace and quiet. She is going to enjoy this. And she is going to pay a visit to make a trip across the Portal to that place where everything is perfect. Everything else can wait. Time is an illussion..so we shall let it be so.  

Bulan watched Mother’s lonely figure leave the house at dusk. It is sad she can’t share all her problems with Mother. Will she grow old as lonely as Mother? No, she won’t, and that is a decision. Today has ended, let’s see what tomorrow brings. Bulan knows it is all in her MIND

5TH NOVEMBER 2010 -DIWALI

Mario woke up with a start. He rubbed sleep off his eyes and said, “Mom, I want a happy halloween costume.  I want it so I can give it to my son, when I am married in England. I want to give a Happy holloween Costume to my son when i am married and in England.” Oh wow, Bulan thought. “Very well then Mario, so you will. Now go back to sleep and dream some more of your happy halloween costume.”

Snippets that are gems which add  sparkle to Bulan’s life. Mario  is just so different. Born without a father because he was off marrying someone else on the day little Mario was born. And not cared about a tiny bit by his wealthy father. It is Mario’s father that everyone should pity. Mario with his twinkly brown eyes and cheeky smile, has grown to be exuberant and full of life unlike his sibblings who were brought up under the steely heavy handed reign of their father.

He is always exploring and testing and trying out new things without fear. And Bulan knows she has enough to give him the best  of education.

Bulan’s pleasures are simple. Laundry done on time, with no backlogs. House swept and mopped as planned, a clean and presentable house with no pretense, comfortable for all to rest, not for show to guests. The satiated faces of her children when they have been fed with her home cooked meal, and all that with money just enough, not for herself but for her to provide the best for her children., food, clothes,  housing, education.

She would like to be well dressed, a simple stud pearl in her ears, a solitaire pearl pendant and a simple pearl ring would have been sufficient for her. An air of elegance just eminating from her internal brilliance even in the simplest of clothes not from fanfare. But with her weight she is now reduced to wearing drab tshirts and shorts and stretch three quarter pants.

All she wants is abundance, to live a life carefree of trouble. So her children can chase their dreams. 

4 NOVEMBER 2010

What a beautiful morning. Bulan knows it is going to be the beginning of a great life.

The truth is Bulan woke up to a sinking feeling. There is no job. She has to go pick Coolgarlie in Meringit by the 9th, one payment is being cut. Trouble is brewing again in the financial front. Why , she wonders. Why doesn't she have a lot of money. But the universe keeps hers. She needs to flip her mind and believe it. Better take a shower she says to herself. Wash the pain, the bad luck and the sorrow gripping her heart. Take a shower, yes. Pray mother doesn't come today.

Work trickled in, and Bulan is so thankful for it. And she has time to take sister and niece out too...brilliant.

Bulan loves to give, it is her joy to give, and the more she gives the more she gets. In fact she gets 3 times more. And she is so thankful for that. Whatever she dreams of, whatever she thinks she gets. Right now, she  knows that the white ALZA is hers. She brings her boys to Cameron Highlands and back to Penang with the greatest comfort. The house that she sees is already being renovated for her to move in. It is hers.

3 NOVEMBER 2010

It’s a lazy Wednesday. A thought crossed Bulan’s mind. How is she going to hit her 17k a month target if it is at this pace. But a “little voice" whispered. Rest and enjoy the free time all you can. Soon it will be hectic again. Get your house in order, because soon you will not be able to look up from your work. Wonder if Bulan will be able to do that.

Mother has arrived, Zhandra has hidden herself in her room. Life is good for Zhandra and Bulan. Today she lives in her childhood house in Penang. Everything starched. The bathrooms have been refurbished and the living room now extends to the front, all glass overlooking the vast University Grounds.

She can hear the drone of the car from the distance and the humming of the wind, lulling her into a state of drowsiness - beautiful music to her ears. The house protects her. The house will not allow people that will hurt her to enter it. It is as if Father's spirit now takes over the stillness. She feels safe there. The kitchen has been transformed, extended further to make way for an Island. A place of love where Bulan cooks for her children and niece and nephew. Family and guests are welcome, there is always ample space. Rooms have been added and everything is so lovely. HOuseproud mother smiles and enjoys being the head of the house. The madam.

This is priming BUlan. Keep writing Bulan, this is priming. Life is good. This world is abundant and it is yours to claim. Look into your email, you have lots of quality work awaiting. Everything that happened, those people who refused to pay are just things to cleanse you. Be thankful for it. Love, work from love.

Everything is more than enough. Bulan knows and is certain that everything will come in good time. At just the right time. She is the most sought after in her profession.

So she wrote this as her affirmation

I am the most sought after in my profession

I am the most sought after in my profession

I am the most sought after in my profession

I am the most sought after in my profession

2 NOV 2010

I always have more than enough money for everything that i need. Always have more than enough. Always have more than enough. Will it be better to write it down?

Today Bulan woke up at 5.30 when her alarm clock rang. The boys will need to go to school.

She lazed around a bit in bed and then got up, to find little Cutie Pie lying in her bathroom. There isn’t any airconditioning in her room, so Cutie Pie just love to stay in the bathroom because i guess it is the coolest place in the house.

She woke the boys up and went downstairs to take some sausages out of the fridge so she can fry them for the boys’ breakfast. In the mean time Maggie ironed the boys’s school uniform.

She did an assignment that was supposed to be delivered by 10am while the boys had their breakfast and left it so she can come back to look at it after she has sent the boys.

Came home and began preparing for breakfast for herself and Zhandra. Must remember that BigMan has to bring Mother to the dentist. She wants to redo all her dentures. 

1st November 2010

Another day for Bulan. Was last night a full moon.

Bulan rose at about 4 because of mosquitoes having a feast with her flesh. She got up, went downstairs to check whether Yoo is home from watching soccer and Mooz and Hooz did get themselves into their beds. The lights were on, as were tht TV and the fan and the two cute little boys were curled up against each other on the tattered sofa. She ambled to the kitchen, took another mosquito coil and used the gas stove to light it. Then she went back up to sleep. Sloth is still pretty big on her shoulder. There is a task she has not completed work wise. Mother might come today. So she has to be ready.

When she opened her eyes again, it was 7.30 in the morning. She rose, went to the toilet and dragged herself to the study. Switched on her computer and began downloading the work she was supposed to do. Life’s good was her mantra. I always have enough...hmm no..i always have more than enough..MORE than enough. As she typed her work negativity started to invade her..when she had to correct some work that she had to complete while she was drowsy...so many mistakes. Can she trust herself again? Can she be the best, the most sought after? Can she?

Mooz and Hooz don’t need to go to school today..so she could sleep in. Maggie has to go by 11.45 or 12 and her cousin who lives around the corner Zach will be hitching a ride. 

At barely 10 there was a rattle on the door. Maggie..Maggie..open the door please. Mother is at the door. Zhandra who was awake and helping bulan to wash the dishes the boys left last night waddled up the steps panting. Maggie was still lazing around with the cats pretending not to hear me. Sometimes she wonders if Maggie is unhappy to have her as mother. “I didn’t hear you mom” she said raising her tone at the end

Since Zhandra got pregnant, Bulan has had to keep it from Motherr for fear she might fall ill. Religion has made many of us see things in black and white. But life is colourful, why reduce it as such. She is so sorry that she has to keep running away from Mother. She loves mother with all the idiosyncrasies. She is her only mother..the one who bore her for 9 months and had a battle with life to bring Bulan into this realm. She is a light within but the religion has made her uptight and judgmental, waiting for the wrath of God to fall upon anyone who hurt her advertantly or otherwise. Funny thing is everyone seem to want to hurt her, in her eyes. Poor mother. She has grown old lonely, whatever she chased in her younger days have now left her alienated from her children. She loves her mother, but circumstances has made her have to run.

Bulan decides, this year she will make rm200,000. Possible? Possible...that works out to about 17K a month. Definitely achievable. 17k a month is already hers. That has been written